Things You Should Totally Post on Twitter


Twitter isn’t exactly swarming with college students. I use it and some of my friends use it, but honestly, most users are over the age of 35. Of the college students that do use twitter, many don’t actually know how to use it correctly.

No fear. I’m here to help. I’ve developed a list of things college students should post on Twitter. Follow these guidelines and you’ll have followers and job offers coming out your ass.

Most of these tips also work for Facebook, so increase your friend count by following these simple guidelines.

Thing to post #1: How far you ran. Friends and employersMegan's Meanderings love to see how far you ran. Some will even track your stats and share your progress with you. It’s a great way to connect with other people, especially fatties. Hey, you may even inspire a follower to get off the couch and run so they can post updates too!

Thing to post #2: What you ate for breakfast. Or any meal for that matter. I like to calorie count for the people I follow, and blunt “Mountain Dew for breakfast” posts help me in my quest.

Thing to post #3: Seemingly generic complaints that everyone knows are about a specific person. Example: “I hate when people stack up cans outside my room so when I walk out they fall over and make a loud noise.”

Thing to post #4: Corrections to other people’s grammar. This is just polite. People love having their mistakes pointed out publicly.

Thing to post #5: A massive amount of articles about your industry. Professional recruiters love to see that you can copy and paste an article link–an important skill in the real world.

Thing to post #6: Anything about alcohol. It shows you’re fun, laid back and ready to party. Mix these with all the copy and pasted article links, and employers won’t be able to resist DMing (direct messaging, for you non-Twitterers) you a job offer!

Thing to post #7: Health updates (this ones especially applies to Facebook too). People love to see when you’re feeling down, when you have a headache, when your stomach’s a little upset, when you’re in the hospital, when you feel like shit, when you have a pimple and more. The more detailed, the better. Health updates are an important part of staying connect in social media.

Thing to post #8: The weather. Most Twitter users are stuck in their basements all day, so it’s important to let them know what it’s like outside.

Thing to post #9: Anything that starts with “dear.” Examples:

  • Dear people walking slowly in front of me, MOVE!
  • Dear guy who cut me off in traffic, you suck!
  • Dear Twitter, I love you.
  • Dear ice cream, I want you.

See how entertaining those are!? You can never go wrong with a “dear” post. The cool thing about these is, they elicit responses. That guy who cut you off in traffic will see the post and apologize.

Thing to post #10: Song lyrics. This comes back to the ability to copy and paste other people’s words. The importance of that skill cannot be overlooked. Using vague song lyrics to describe how you feel to your followers lets them into your soul and gives them a reason to reach out.

Thing to post #11: Countdowns. I not only like keeping track of the special events in your life that affect me in no way whatsoever, I also like knowing EXACTLY how many days away they are! Graduation, wedding, vacation, whatever–I love keeping track of your life. Every time you post a new number (seemingly every day) I like to comment along the lines of “yay!” or “can’t wait!” even though said event has literally nothing to do with me.

Hopefully this guide helps all my fellow college students use Twitter as it was meant to be used. If you have any Twitter tips and tricks for the college student, post ’em here!

Disclaimer: If you actually take this advice seriously, you will lose job offers, and probably friends. If you can’t get the sarcasm, however, then you deserve it.

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10 Important Life Lessons


From the desk (well, bed. I write my blogs in my bed) of Megan Horn: 10 important life lessons.

1. Crocs will never be cool, no matter how “comfortable” they are.

2. If you act like you’re better than everyone else, be better than everyone else.

3. If you take lunch to work in Tupperware, the following will happen:

a) You’ll get it home safely 3.7 percent of the time.
b) You’ll leave it at work over the weekend and stink up the office 14.6 percent of the time.
c)  You’ll forget it in your car. Two months later you’ll be trying to figure out what that smell is 39.2 percent of the time.
d) You’ll leave it at work, it’ll rot for 3 months in the fridge and the poor office manager will have to burn it 42.5 percent of the time.

3.5. Don’t Google Image “Nasty Tupperware” for images for your blog. Just don’t.

4. Kids don’t care about your job. They care about whether or not you have candy.

5. You will get stopped at every red light if you’re in a hurry.

6. The scent of a post-winter Ugg boot can kill.

7. Butter both sides of the toast. Then if you drop it, it’ll fall butter side up.

8. You can buy literally anything on the internet. Uranium, whatever the hell this isJL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank (shipping is probably a bitch), a 2003 nickel for $1.00 and more. (If you find any other good ones, post them in the comments.)

9. You will always have just enough time to get done what you need to get done. No more, no less.

10. Shaving your legs in winter is pointless. It grows back as soon as you step out of the shower.

Have some to add? E-mail me or put them in the comments.

124 Things You Should NEVER Say


Okay, so I didn’t actually write down 124 things you shouldn’t say, but I did write down a lot. Of course, there are more than 124 things…I’ve just selected some to share with you. Can you imagine reading 124 things? That’s a long-ass list! You’d be asleep half way through.

I spared you, be thankful. Now heed my advice and never utter the following words/phrases:

When are you due?

Your birthmark looks like an alligator.

Are you going to finish that ice cream?

Can’t (had to throw a motivational one in there)

A Army

Irregardless

Oh my god. Is that your mom?

Your dog just told me THEE funniest joke.

This Twinkie’s out of date. I’m going to throw it out.

When do you turn 18?

Would you even fit through there?

Moist

Where’s the bathroom. Oh, nevermind.

When are you guys planning to break up?

There was a guy on cops who looked just like you!

Did the aliens ask you about American Idol too?

My friend and I have a bet going–are you a chick or a dude?

 

I never want to hear you utter these words/phrases. Ever. Have some to add? Throw them in the comments.